THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
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Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years