Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot