Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
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Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Have kids, they said
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
fly smarter, not harder
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
A short story of betrayal:
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
new year update: losing everything but weight
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance