[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
You Might Also Like
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
marvel comics have peaked
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.