I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.