Go girl power!
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.