(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.