(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.