just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
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I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…