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My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
me before I type out affect or effect
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.