*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.