I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time