*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
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Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.