The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
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Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.