If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
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[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night