I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
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I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Support your local cemetery
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence