(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I know
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured