“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I am also baked goods
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact