Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐