My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit