In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”