[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
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I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?