Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
PLOT TWIST:
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf