Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
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by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
monday
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Put a ring on it
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?