Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.