I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
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I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Lmao
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
The asteroid..
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.