me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
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“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
How do you like your Corgi?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Tier 3 meme
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*