Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
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Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don鈥檛 even know how to take that
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 馃槶
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
One man鈥檚 trash is another man鈥檚 problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor鈥檚 yard.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 馃槈
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should鈥檝e seen that coming.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he鈥檚 repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
they鈥檙e called hooves, dummy馃檮
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song