Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
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I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
*cough*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.