DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
You Might Also Like
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh