Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
marvel comics have peaked
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
What’s a Messi?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.