Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
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*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??