If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
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[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys