You Might Also Like
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend