If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!