Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.