Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”