Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
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What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.