Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*