Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.