Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*