[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.