8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating