Risking my life for fun.
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Has science gone too far?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.