I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
And then there were 4
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is