The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
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I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.