i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
This is not me but this is me
You learn something every day
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this