Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
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Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.