please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
i wish i could marry a nap
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.