The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
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UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
The Struggle
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.